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5 Things That I Have Learned From Marriage

There are many lessons to be learned in life. There are those that we remember forever and those that only last a short while. If I had to choose 5 main things that I have learned from my marriage, it would be these:

1)      Nothing is perfect! You do not fall into a fairytale romance with a simple, “I love you, happily ever after”. Relationships are hard, they take work. It is not all a walk in the park but ultimately if it is the right person for you, it is worth it. We fight for those amazing moments that happen in between all of the chaos. Don’t get me wrong, relationships should not be a CONSTANT fight, but they aren’t all flowers and sunshine either. That is just unrealistic. It is up to you to decide what you are willing to fight for and to realize that the perfect person for you will not be a perfect person!

2)      You have to love each other. I cannot express how important it is to truly love one and other! I’m not saying it is the mushy gushy sappy love. Just honest and deep down love. If you really love each other (both of you, it’s not a one way street) you can make it through almost anything. In relationships we always get upset because the other person didn’t do something the way we wanted, or didn’t consider our feelings. If the person really loves you, they will consider you always, just as you do them. BUT really loving someone means loving them for who they are, flaws and all. Ultimately, leaving socks on the floor or not doing the dishes should not be cause for a huge blowout. If that is who they are, that’s who they are!

3)      This brings me to my next point; choose your battles. Do not fight over every little thing. You can, but it will make everyone miserable. Some things are worth fighting over, some are not. Save your energy. Look to compromise, not to win. Relationships are not about who is right

and who is wrong; they are about learning together and growing together. When you are married, it is not just about you anymore. It is about you, your spouse and everyone that you affect. It is about family. Your decisions and arguments do not just affect you anymore!

4) You cannot be selfish. This is a big one. You cannot love without being a little bit selfless. If you expect this from your partner, you must do it yourself. You must care as much about the other person’s well-being as you do your own! You still have to make sure you are doing what is good for yourself too, but, if that person is good for you then you should not be selfish when it comes to little sacrifices. Again, it is not all about you anymore! It is about the “US” and “WE”, not the “me” and “I”.

5) MOST IMPORTANTLY, you MUST have trust. You have to trust each other. There is no way around this one. If you do not trust them it is either because they are not trustworthy or because you are unable to trust others. Either way, if you cannot trust someone, you should not be with them. Period. If you do not trust each other, you will fight constantly, have suspicions and will mentally drain yourself and the other person. I 100% trust my husband; I can say this without a doubt. He trusts me also. You cannot build anything without trust and belief in it. Yes, this makes you vulnerable to be hurt, but if you do get hurt, take it for what it is; a learning experience.

These things all seem simple, but they are not easy sometimes. If you can try to follow these 5 marriage “rules”, I guarantee that your lives together will be much happier and healthier!

Love, Peace and Happiness

-Ashleigh Tomas

3 Steps To Dating After A Divorce...

The divorce is final and you are free to make your own decisions after years of consulting and coordinating with another person. Before you decide to start dating again spend some time making your life ready to welcome a new relationship. Common post-divorce dating mistakes include not grieving your lost marriage, not knowing what kind of person you want, and being too clingy once you find someone. Work to avoid these problems, and you’re on the way to a happy after divorce dating life.

Give Yourself Time to Grieve

Even if you wanted a divorce you will need time to grieve for the relationship. Spend some time honoring the good in your marriage in your own way. For some people that honoring will be more ritualistic, but others may want to look through photographs or read old emails from when times were good. Give yourself time to ponder what went wrong and why and think about what you will miss about your spouse. Don’t get lost in this phase but be sure that you are over your marriage before you put yourself back into the dating pool.

Know What You Want from a Relationship

Understanding what went wrong in your marriage will help you to know what you need in a new relationship. Perhaps your ex-spouse worked 60 hours a week and had little downtime. If that didn’t work for you, then you’ll know to stay away from people with a similar work ethic in the future. Not sharing interests or having different life paths can be significant factors for the ending of a relationship.

Before you head out into the dating world, you should be clear with yourself about what you need and want from a future partner. Also be clear about whether you are looking for a casual or serious relationship to avoid getting yourself into a doomed relationship in your post-divorce life.

Practice Your New-found Independence

For people who spent many years with their lives closely enmeshed with someone else’s life, breaking free from that set-up can take practice. Have very consistent boundaries with yourself about what you will and won’t tolerate with a new partner. Let’s say that you and your ex-spouse fought every year because he wanted to spend holidays only with his family. This year, you are going to go to your parents’ home for Thanksgiving. Don’t give in if your new beau wants to go to his sister’s house instead. Stick to your guns and create for yourself the life that you want to have. Consider dating afterdivorce as another chance at finding the fairy tale romance.